When I was in University, I started to think having children might not be such a good idea after all. At least not my own, adoption might be okay though. You know, more socially responsible because having kids in this world just because I want mine to look like me is just selfish.
A couple years after graduating we once again started talking about having a child. The whole concept was scary - would we be good parents? What would happen to the life that we were enjoying? What about my career? Could we afford it?
When we lost our first pregnancy, I knew with every ounce of me that I really, really wanted a child. That was the gift of that loss: it erased any doubts in my mind.
When Hunter was born, I couldn't believe how wonderful he was, how wonderful being a mom was, how great a Dad Jason was, how much we loved him instantly (and really, how basically every cliche about having a child was true). I began to wonder how people responsibly stopped having children because there wasn't anything in the world more wonderful than being a mom (and if being a mom to one was good, well being a mom must get even better as you add more children, right?).
After returning to work, a part of me started thinking that one child was probably a good number because that way we could give him a great life and we wouldn't be spread too thin (and really could I love another child as much as I loved Hunter?). Besides, getting one child ready every morning for day care and balancing work/home/school pressures was challenging enough for a family of three.
As life began to normalize (as much as it ever normalizes), I once again knew that I wanted at least two children. While I obsessed about these things endlessly, Jason always knew, he just quietly waited for me to figure it out. When pregnant with Julia, I worried a lot about how I would balance the needs of two children. I worried about how Hunter would handle the adjustment from being an only child to a big brother. I worried about how Jason and I would handle the adjustment. Even though the three of us instantly fell in love with Julia the moment she was born, I continued to worry about how Hunter was adjusting (though in hindsight, I think he transitioned with greater ease than either Jason or I).
Seeing the two of them play together these last couple months, and these last few weeks in particular, has erased any shred of worry I might have had. There is nothing better than watching Julia crawl down the hallway to join Hunter at play, except maybe peeking into their messy room and seeing the two of them playing together.
2 comments:
I swear somewhere I have a picture of you and Jeff a lot like that one. Julia is looking more like you as she gets older.
Maybe it's the smiling :) er kind of anyway.
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